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JUST  JOKING

My friend told me she's hotter than me. I said, "No sweat, that just means I'm cooler than you." Unless she was having a hot flash, in that case, I'm still cooler than her.

A poker tournament is the only game I know where the sincerity behind failed words delights me. "Good luck, ALL-IN."

Darth Vader says, "I find your lack of poker prowess, disturbing." What! I can't hear you with all your choking. He'll release you from his invisible grip as soon as you stop calling my all-in with a weak, unsuited Ace.

I used to think I mumbled. Now I realize I'm the adult in the room and all of you are Peanut characters. WHA WHA WHA, WHA WHA, WHA...

SNACCIDENT: When you eat the entire pizza, the whole bag of chips, or a dozen donuts by mistake!

Reading between the lines is a woman's repetitive and imaginative prerogative to a man saying, "I'm fine.”

I've indulged in way too many salads this week. It's time for a cleanse, an Oreo Cookie cleanse. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Just a few excerpts from Hillary’s infamous new book called Fractured Quotables. 1) Don’t put off until tomorrow what can be erased today. 2) If at first, you don’t succeed, lie, lie again. 3) It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame.

Folgers has had it wrong for all these years. The best part of waking up is going pee and then going back to bed! Then about 11:00 AM, drink coffee, read the Bible, and play a little evening poker...now we're living. 

With marijuana’s acceptance and legalization in America, I wonder what will happen in a divorce?  When a marriage ends do they both get, ‘Joint Custody’?

Sometimes the River Card can be just like Biff slamming his '46 Ford convertible into a dump truck full of dung. It covers you in poop, and you spit out sh.t. Damn that Marty McFly for calling my all-in with Jack/4 off-suit.

At the office, I asked a Gen Z for a phonebook. She laughed, called me a dinosaur and then handed me her smartphone. I said, "Okay, I'll kill that big spider on your desk with this," I never heard anyone scream so loud.

Two impossible outcomes: First, have the best hand going in and not have it get slam-donkey by the River card. Second, take a selfie with a bunch of ladies and have them all agree the first shot's the right one.

I've been on too many diets, it seems like I start a new diet every day. Day one: Mexican, day two: American, day three: Italian, day four: Chinese,...

I hate how my smartphone autocorrects; I texted to my better half, "I took out the garbage last time, now it's your turn." It changed it to, "Yes, dear."

CONGRESS: A place where nothing is said, nobody listens, and yet, everyone disagrees.  Sort of like a family gathering.  Ba-dum-bum-ching!

The RIVER card is always surprisingly shocking for the loser and the winner. Especially after the loser Taser's the winner. SURPRISE!

Next time you're feeling sad and down plan a trip to the equator. At least there you’ll be a tropical depression. Ba-dum-bum-CHING!

JET LAG symptoms may include fatigue, dissatisfaction, irritability, or lack of concentration. JET LAG treatments include supportive care, self-care, medications, therapies, and specialists. Funny thing, FLOP LAG symptoms, and treatments are the same. Here's some lovingly supportive advice: Learn how to fold.

With the advent of self-driving vehicles. The next Kenny Chesney song will be, "She Think's My Tractor's Sexy, So It Left Me." 

Last Sunday, Jack was dealt pocket rockets. The board flopped Jack, Jack, Ace. Jack knocked-out two opponents at the final table, one held an Ace, the other a Jack. Jack's odds of flopping a full-house are less than 3/4 of one percent. Still, better odds than crooked Hillary taking responsibility for losing the Presidency or going to jail. DOH!

The day Millennial's answer their phone will be the day the President stops Tweeting. DOH!

To the mailman on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my credit card... You can HIDE, but you CANNOT run!

What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.  What do call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tooter.  When you go to the bathroom European, when you come out, you're American.

"YOU ALWAYS RAISE MY BIG BLIND!" Shoot, if I noticed it was your big blind, I'd've raised even higher.

A friend said to me the other day, "Let's face it, Tim... I'm just COOLER than you!" I retorted, "Thanks, man! What you’re sayin’ is that I’m HOTTER than you!"

Hmm, it looks like Tiger should have used a Driver instead of a Putter last week. Lucky for him, the Police didn’t wake the Tiger with a 9-Iron like Elin. Ha!

I thought I had made my mind up about never owning another dog... But I'm getting really tired of having to bend over and pick food up off the floor!

We celebrated Jester's 56 birthday with laughter, good food, and fun compition.

 

Jester's reaction to our chorus of Happy Birthday?

There’s no “I” in denial. That's why “I” can never be the money bubble. There, “I” made myself feel better.

"Poker's Tough." No matter how you look at it, poker really is a tough game. But if it were easy, chances are none of us would have any real interest in it. The challenge, and the ability to out skill our opponents is the one major reason we all play this game.  Could be why I relish in utterly annihilating a 10-year-old in a game of Monopoly.

All the ladies will receive two extra yellow chips to celebrate their special day. The guy’s turn is next month. Men who would dare to dress up like a lady, makeup and all will get one extra yellow chip for getting halfway there. Sex reassignment surgery will take you all the way, and then some. So guys, will it be one or two extra yellow chips?  

Fail safe donkey's know how to kick ass.  Thus, the reason for that hoof print on your big butt.

NICE HAND SIR!
And by HAND, I mean CATCH.  And by SIR, I mean MORON.

•    If Caitlyn Jenner was an action figure, would she be an X-Men or Transformer? 
•    Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
•    I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.
•    Elephants hide in orange trees.  Ever see an elephant in an orange tree?  See how well they hide.  How did Tarzan die?  Picking oranges.

According to Pharmaceutical TV ads, medication side effects pose an even greater risk than flying on an overbooked flight with United Airlines.

When you have two all-ins of equal value and a big side pot, it's fun to anticipate and expect some dramatic changes on the number of players at the final table.  Instead, no one's knocked-out and the all-ins chop.  Such an anticlimactic and major let down. Kind of like when your spouse spouts off about you.​

I played poker with the ASS family the other day. Daddy Dumb, mama Smart, sister Big and her little brother Pain In The. Every single one spanked and Rivered my...​

Trouble getting someone's attention? Just say, "I shouldn't be telling you this but..." Their ears will perk up every time.

Suited Ace-Queen flopped Ace-Queen-Queen for Queens full of Aces who then pushed All-In. I called his All-In holding Pocket Rockets. My Bad. He gave me a dirty look of unbelief and then abruptly walked away from the casino table. I guess the big grin on my face didn't help matters.

Who says marriage isn't easy-peasy or a walk in the park !?!  Sometimes it's walk through Jurassic Park... But a park nonetheless.

I griped about my worn-out shoes until I saw a man who had no feet. So I asked him, "Got any shoes you're not using?" Luckily, I could out run him.

Sometimes I buy things just to “keep up with the Jones's."  I can't help but think... Maybe it's about time I act my wage. DOH!

Accordion to recent studies, 95% of people do not realize I replaced the beginning of this sentence with an instrument.

Darn fat fingers. When I type-o TROY’s name, I totally Miss TORI Spelling him. But maybe I got his zip code right! 90210?

Keep your marriage fresh in the New Year by writing each other little love notes like, "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night because of your snoring but I didn't."

My New Year's resolution is to come in first place every time I play poker.  I plan on keeping it the same as I keep all my New Year's resolutions. So yes, I'm fair game.

It’s strange how drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible but 8 cups of coffee goes down as easy as a chubby kid on a see-saw.

Santa's feeling frisky and will throw in an extra 5000 chip in yellow wrapping as a Christmas bonus.  Feel the love, even as we all laugh at your first level re-buy.

Got a nasty finger cut opening a Christmas card the other day. Only thing more painful is a night with a few braggadocio poker players at a Karaoke bar.” me, me, me, me, me...

Daniel, the low chip stack player said, “I have very little to play with.” I said, “Yeah, you don’t have many chips either.”

I asked my honey for another slice of her delicious  pumpkin roll. She said to me, "You have enough rolls, pumpkin."

I opened an in-your-face fortune cookie at PF Chang's. It read, “Do not overspend with money you don’t have. Frugality is the way of life.” I thought, too late. That Oolong Marinated Chilean Sea Bass was 25 bucks.

While filling out forms for my new doctor's office visit, I was instructed to check my race. Darned if I couldn't find 'privileged white male' on the form, so I checked other.

Halloween is coming up so put on your best and scariest poker face, we all need a good laugh and an easy read! Some of us have the coolest poker face mask of them all, it's the invisible man.

Who says circumcision doesn't hurt, it took me almost a year before I could walk.

Hillary told me I was "too old" to be on Snapchat. I replied, "Yeah, but I'm still too young to be on Life Alert"! So I’ll simply leave deletion of electronic messages to you. 

I did push-ups today.  I fell down and used my arms to get back up, so… close enough. Now I need chocolate.

I just completed my muscle and fitness 90 DAY transformation plan in 9 minutes! Whew! Think I'll celebrate with a chocolate motherlode cake from Claim Jumper and a scoop of vanilla ice-cream on each layer.

If one door closes and one door opens then decide already and stop letting all the cold air out of the fridge!

Come early to eat a Mexican, eh, eat Mexican. Friends welcome. 

I watched some folks in Wal-Mart this morning shopping in their pajamas. Not sure if they've given UP on life... Or living life to its fullest!?! Maybe I'll play poker in my PJ's next time and let you decide. HA! 

What's funner than being low chip stack at the final table while the neighborhood donkey takes 2 big chip stacks out to lunch, leaving you in 2nd place?

I was putting on deodorant, lotion and hairspray this morning. Suddenly out of nowhere I hear a voice... "You're going to pay for this!" And I thought, "Dang Wal-Mart employees, you can never find one when you need one!"

If you feel like running naked outdoors, spray yourself with Windex. It prevents streaking.

I must have been more tired on my last trip to Vegas than I realized. Southwest airlines tried to charge me for the bags under my eyes!

Hey guys! I've decided to throw an Introvert Texas Hold’Em Tournament and you're all not invited. Should be fun!

I wanted a candy bar but instead I did the right thing and ate fruit! It was an apple! Okay…with caramel and pecan bits...But it was fruit. Kind of like Hillary’s private Emails were only yoga classes and wedding photos. See, I can spin the truth too.

I got a delivery with a box filled with unpoppable packing bubbles. Where's the fun in that? Now what do I do to drive Emmy, Wayne and the dog crazy?

The nerve of some people! I just had a guy yell at me, “I need to learn how to drive!” I yelled back, “Get off the hood of my car and mind your own business!”

My sister didn't think I could build a car made of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. Man!  If I had a Penne for every corny joke.

You know, some players poker prowess is about as skilled as an all-in blind. I’m not naming names, but we know who you are.

After a hard and sweaty workout, I enjoy a pizza and donuts. Okay, fine! I enjoy pizza and donuts while watching a hard and sweaty workout. Semantics, sheesh!

Fat people are harder to kidnap…eat donuts and stay safe. In-between eating and sleeping play poker and bring a friend.

ATTENTION: Due to setbacks, my summer beach body has been delayed until next year. As usual... Thank you for your patience!

Why wait for the 4th of July to see fireworks. Donkey your poker buddy and watch their eyes burst into flames and colorful language explode from their launcher. Fireworks on display until the chip bully sings.

When a poker player looks into a mirror, he sees a donkey. When a donkey looks into a mirror, he sees a dumb-ass poker player. So bring a donkey, eh, I mean a friend.

See y’all Wednesday! Oops, there I go again, freein' my inner Okie.

Gamble responsibly, lose all your chips to me.

I overheard my wife tell a friend she loves it when I go the distance, climax late, and finish on top. Unlike others who, fizzle out fast, have a quick smoke, and go home early. Eh, we all have our short comings.

What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? The dog will eventually stop whining.

Life is all about perspective. Find the positive! The sinking Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen, and the River is always good to someone!

By the way, I’m not your mom, so pick up after yourself. Else, just wait till your father gets home.

Great fun, food, and friendship, uh, until someone river’s your butt. Then politely grit your teeth and say, “Good Hand.”

I’m off to a great start with my new eating habits! Just blew the sugar off my doughnuts!

This morning I put my scales in the pantry... And they’re STAYING there until they stop LYING to me like Hillary!

I want to die like my dad, peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

There are 3 kinds of poker players: Those who can count and those who can’t.

Bring a friend, so you can pin their tail with a donkey.

When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants at the poker table. So you can eat more tacos. Nacho Libre.

Bring a friend and collect their shiny necklaces, even if it’s a guy. What’s this world coming to?

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